Sometimes things must break down and fall away before your true light can shine its brilliance through. So when spiritual transformation comes knocking on your door, it unapologetically asks you to shed parts of yourself that are no longer of service. Perhaps similar to me, you once wore a mask and ear plugs too to block out the knocking. Some women believe the mask they wear – believe their own lies. This woman walks her life in disguise. The disguise works for a time, protecting her from becoming the lone wolf. Until it doesn’t until the mask begins to suffocate her. Until the parts of her buried deep within begin to rise to the surface. The parts she hid away begin to get more potent and louder. Pushing them away and down is killing her as they eat her from the inside out. There is no choice in what she must do- to jump down!
For many years, I had a reoccurring dream of intentionally jumping off a cliff into the deep water below. I would run as hard as possible and leap off the rock’s edge, descending into the depths of darkness and unknown to wake up before plunging into the water below. For so long, I felt tethered to my life, my body constrained, and my spirit captive by a world that felt far too small for the vast love inside of me. The fear I carried daily that I would never be free would be suspended the moment my feet left the ground over the edge, which turned into exhilaration as my body was momentarily free, untamed, unbound.
In 2021, I was leading a retreat in Yelapa, Mexico. Near us was an area known for jumping off rock formations into a river below for recreation. When I learned of this activity, my whole being lit up. I knew this offering had been luring me for a long time, preparing me for the next part of my spiritual journey. This experience represented the embodiment of opening the portal to the underworld, and I jumped, and nothing has been the same since.
In The Heroine’s Journey, author Maureen Murdock describes this stage as the Descent. A heavy period where the heroine has no choice but to let go, dismantle, and destroy. This stage aims to reclaim the discarded parts of the self that were split off in the original separation from the feminine. Parts of you that have been ignored, not allowed, devalued, and hidden. To ultimately reclaim a connection with the sacred feminine to understand her lost parts, mourn the separation, and mother herself back to life.
My need to descend had been knocking so hard that I could no longer keep the door closed. It was now haunting me in my dreams. The interesting thing about that time was my life was in abundance. I learned to receive, be vulnerable, and be grateful. My heart was open, and I daily felt the connection of all things. During the time before my Descent, my business was thriving, my bank accounts were full, and my body was healthy. However, despite the supposed success a looming question grew, “what is this all for?” I felt the deep truth that lived in the pit of my gut; it was all for external validation and security. The maintenance of how I was living was not sustainable, and my offerings were not as desirable to me as they once were. There were parts of me I was still hiding, and I sacrificed sacred parts of myself to secure a place and belong in the external world.
I spent my whole childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood hiding. The mask of makeup to cover apathy. I imitated others’ paths, not even considering finding my own. The truth that I was my own teacher, with my own answers, wisdom, and intuition, never occurred to me. I would not live inauthentic anymore, I ran and jumped off the cliff in Yelapa. The danger of the jump was a mouse compared to the lion caged in me. What is more dangerous than not fully living? I jumped into the underworld, and there was no way to climb out. At first, not a lot occurred, but the years that followed were something my imagination or ego could never have prepared for. The capacity of fear I lived with for two years was unbearable most days. I literally unmade myself; I unraveled. I stopped building anything in my life; I left behind old ways of doing things. I was disoriented, sick, and humbled. I grieved deeply with the younger versions of myself that did not get to be seen. I felt the depth of ancestral trauma embedded deep within me as if the stories were lodged into my bones. This Descent was grieving my separation from the parts I had neglected. Raw grief swooned in my belly most days. Tears flowed daily as a result of the separation from my intuition, flow, beauty, and delight. Somewhere in my supposed success, I forgot how to dance and how to play. During this time, I was tender and raw in a way I never thought possible. I had been silenced most of my life from fear of being judged and, worse off, not loved. Somewhere after that first year of descent, I started meeting the archetype of the mother. She loved me unconditionally in my grief. Later, the healer and sage archetypes walked with me too. They all showed me my true potential and my given gifts. These archetypes that I only caught a glimpse of during my time of success now were fully realized as a part of me.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes, an American poet, psychoanalyst, and post-trauma specialist, describes in her book, “Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype,” The Descent. This is the stage of wandering. First, the woman consciously decides to walk away from her old life. Next, she gets lost and wanders to find the deeper recesses of her soul. There is no going back. She must live fully awake, no matter what. She is in desperate need to go on her inward journey. Not only that, but she has become the lone wolf, the “outsider,” as Brene Brown quotes in Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. “Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness — an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.”
What once excited you – will no longer. The outside world will seem meaningless. You will no longer be addicted to the quick fix or short serotonin highs. This time is one of depression, loss, and grief. Grieving the feminine parts you severed long ago, grieving all the pain you stuffed away. There will be no direction, building, or goals to be achieved. However, do not fear; Clarissa Pinkola Estes assures us, “during the darkest times, the feminine unconscious, the uterine unconscious, nature, will feed a woman’s soul. Women describe that in the midst of their Descent, they are in the darkest dark and are touched by the brush of a wing tip and feel lightened. They feel an inner nourishing taking place.” She will be promised nourishment from the Wild Mother. She has given a taste of whom she will become. Hence, the journey is beginning, and the underworld is training her to be a warrior, mother, and guide. To build the strength to climb out of the underworld. Once she climbs out of the underworld, she knows her profound strength, and all her sacred parts are unified.
Every woman has parts of herself she is covering up, a buried self under layers of false stories, expectations, assumptions, and wounding. We have severed the dark parts in shame and guilt, dismissing the wisdom held within. Cutting out the very guide to our soul. We have lost access to our untamed, connected, wild selves. The parts that can be at home in our bodies, nourished by mother nature, and at peace with the undoing of things. All to survive in a conformist and patriarchal culture. Chances are you have hidden parts of yourself. Despite these parts being you, they have not seen the light of day. These parts are now unknown, unpredictable, and vulnerable. Culture, the patriarch, and repressive religion call these parts “dark” and “bad.” These parts are not bad, they are unfamiliar, and they are dark because they have not seen the light. They have not had the time to be understood, accepted, and formed. Do not be surprised if you have found yourself avoiding darkness, dipping your toes towards the underworld to be frightened and unconsciously turning back. This process can happen many times, as naturally, we will avoid anything that evokes fear or lack of control. However, each time the heroine draws closer to the underworld, she builds the resilience and wisdom to stay, release her grip, and her control, and face her deepest truths.
Sister, lean towards what you have been running from, not knowing what is on the other side. When you face head-on what you have been working so hard to run from, the deep truths of yourself can no longer stay asleep. It is scary to intentionally say I am going to feel all that lies beneath me. I will heal what has been killing me. To heal, we must get up close and personal with what may feel dark, scary, and without control and let go of the false self that has been covering it all up.
Be aware after you build enough strength to leap off the ledge into the dark abyss of the unknown for a call that can only be felt and not explained. Other women become afraid. You trigger the deepest fears in them that they are desperately trying to quiet. You become a threat. Your power becomes too threatening for any woman in your life that is asleep. You are facing the dark, which is not dark at all. However, instantly, you become “too much” and a threat to the patriarchy. The fabric of the false constructs that they have built for themselves to stay artificially safe is under attack. There are many powerful loving sisters; you are not alone. They are as vast as the sky and diverse as nature. Healing, loving, and welcoming you when you open yourself to your own truth. Hold out until you find the people you belong to, be courageous, and do not hide.
As layers of my false self peeled away, parts of me surfaced that I once suppressed. According to Carl Young, these parts would be labeled my “shadow.” At one time, I related unfavorable qualities to shadow. Shadow qualities such as I am too “reactive,” “emotional,” “sensitive,” “extreme,” “overwhelmed,” “powerful,” “untethered, and “untamed” did not align with the ideal version of myself. What actually was occurring is my shadow was not dark at all but rather repressed. By ignoring her, I left her afraid and confused about her power. I hid her away, and she was angry, untrusting, and hurt. Imagine not being able to speak out for forty years, being locked in a dark closet! Over time, trust was re-established, and she became my greatest friend and guide. She and the mother/healer archetype went back to the very basics, healed, and held me. They taught me new things. They taught me to mother myself, and be more honest with how I would like to live my life, my wisdom, my voice, my healing gifts, my love, and my intuition.
The heroine repairs the parts buried deep within herself. She heals herself through feeling, allowing, and expressing. She holds a true resiliency to be with truth, to allow it, feel it, and ultimately move through it over staying stuck. Past fears of rejection and sacrifice to belong no longer motivate her. Never will she be false, hidden, or give over her power again. Through her Descent, the heroine embodies the delicate balance of her masculine and feminine. Through her heroic quest, she learns of acceptance and love without judgment or condition.
So if you are on the verge of jumping away, or going down, take the risk! Go against the status quo, then dig up the awesomeness buried deep within you. Dig up the natural parts of you to live as close as possible to a creative and full life. From your instincts and strengths, you will have the capacity, along with many other heroines, to preserve the experience and balance of life on this great Earth.
About the Author:
Raechel Morrow, Depth, Jungian, Spiritual Psychologist, Yoga Trainer, Board Certified Trauma Specialist, and Yoga Therapist invites you to live and lead from all facets of you. Raechel moves towards trauma and biological fears that manifest in the body. Raechel works closely with women and sister circles seeking radical freedom. She witnesses intuitive healers, coaches, and therapists to bring about the deepest change in their life and work. Sometimes to avoid